its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
