Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
