Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
