If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Im part way to drunk.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
