Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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