what day is it and did you see me today?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
