well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
