I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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