No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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