yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
