I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We left the knife in your bed.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
