Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
