Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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