is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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