Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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