No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
