Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
did you just send me my own nude
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
