Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
