I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
