He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Randomize
