I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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