I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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