After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
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First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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