Plan B is the new Plan A
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
