Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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