I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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