i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
