before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
