It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
