Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
