Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
