i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
