Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
