Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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