Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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