Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
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She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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