peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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