there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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