Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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