just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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