We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
