i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
