Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
