my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
