i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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