Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
