Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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