i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This is the high leading the old right now
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
