white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i think my mom watched the whole time
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
