Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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