when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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