So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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