This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
