I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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