three words: i give head
three words: not that well
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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